I'm so excited! Last week in my early meetings, my Bishop gave me two tickets to the Sunday morning session of general conference!! I really wanted to go last semester, but never knew how to get tickets or get there, and so I was really hoping I'd get to go this semester, and I do!! What an amazing experience that will be. I can't believe conference is just around the corner. I love general conference.
Well, school has been stressful and frustrating lately. My course load is too heavy. I simply can't handle it. I can't wait to get this semester over with so I can have a break. It's been really hard to balance everything. I haven't been able to do anything fun (except I watched a movie last night) and I've been working harder than my body can handle. I know we're not supposed to run faster than we have strength, but that's what I've been doing this whole semester, and unless I want to fail, I can't stop. The past month or so I keep thinking "oh, after this test/paper, things will be easier and I won't be so stressed", but then it just gets worse and worse. I have one week from now until the end of the semester that I don't have a test to take or a paper that's due. On top of academics, I've been working so hard to attempt to get all the studying in that I can, and haven't been able to practice as much as I need to so I'm not ready for juries, and these juries determine whether or not I get accepted to Performance Major. Dr. Bigelow keeps telling me things like, "I can tell you haven't been practicing as much...juries are closer than you think...you're going to be a lot more nervous for juries because you're not as prepared...you aren't as far along as you should be for your talent level..." it's driving me insane. I've told her my course load is heavy, I've told her I'm trying to practice more, I've told her about my random health issues, and she STILL is telling me stuff like that. She keeps telling me she's pushing me hard because "it's good for me", but I can't handle it!! I'm already being pushed past my limit without her adding to it. I just keep stretching myself more and more and I feel like I'm about to explode! I've received blessings (probably like 3 just this semester), I've fasted, I've prayed, my name's in the temple, I'm going to church, I'm reading my scriptures, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I guess just stick it out and keep working. It's just really hard.
I was sooo excited to come up here to BYU and thought this would be the best time of my life (like everyone claimed it would be), but this has turned out to be more stressful and, at times, more lonely, then any other time in my life. College has not been fun. It has not been enjoyable and I hate that. I just want it to end.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Life
Posted by Katie Bear at 11:26 AM
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3 comments:
Katie, First of all I love you!!! Second of all, I am SO SORRY that you are having such a hard semester. When things get tough just remember that you are tough too!! When things got hard and stressful for me during my last couple semesters at school, I just took comfort in the fact that I knew I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do. I had felt the Spirit witness to me that I was supposed to be in Elem. Ed. and that I was supposed to finish my degree, no matter how hard it was. Don't forget that the Lord will ease your burdens if you lay them at His feet. Pray specifically for your burdens to lighten just as the they did for Alma and his people when heavy burdens were laid upon them, even so much that they couldn't bear them. Christ's not only suffered for your sins but also for your afflictions, trials, and feelings of discouragement and loneliness. Trust in Him and His Atonement to lighten your burdens and bring comfort to your heart. Also remember that sometimes in our toughest trials, we learn some of the most powerful lessons and we can receive some of the most beautiful personal revelations.
An incredible example of this is found in Doctrine and Covenants 121 when Joseph is in Liberty Jail. Whenever I read this section, I feel so much comfort, peace, and a greater desire and willingness to endure to the end. Just do all that you can do and leave the rest of it to the Lord.
Katie, I am so sorry to hear all this. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I have been thinking about you a lot today, trying to decide what to say. At this point (with 5-6 weeks to go) in the semester, you are just going to have to do what you can and finish. Katie, you are one of the hardest workers I know when it comes to school (sometimes going beyond what is necessary). And I know you can do it. It sounds like you are doing everything you can... and you are just going to have to let the Lord make up the difference.
I really believe that the health problems you are having are related to stress. I think there are some similarities between us, and that is how it is/has been for me. It is a struggle that I have been trying to understand and conquer for almost 10 years - how to do everything I want/need to do. Sometimes it is too much. And when I get to that point, I usually realize it because of some sort of health problem (migraines, blood pressure, etc.). Once you have finished what you have committed to (which in your case is this semester), then you need to re-evaluate. You need to decide if this is really what you want. And if it's not, THAT'S OKAY. It doesn't mean that you're quitting or that you couldn't cut it. It just means that it's not the right thing for you. So, after this semester is over, you need to pray and ponder about what you should do.
Katie, I love you. You can do it! I know you can. You are amazing. I can't wait until you're back for the summer. I hope we can spend a lot of time together this summer. (And if that means we have to scrapbook, then okay!) Please call me anytime if you need to vent.
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